It's showtime...

So it has been a while since I posted and I had an interesting experience yesterday that I feel the need to write about. It was a Sunday afternoon (mother's day) and I was asked to be at school to help film a movie about a boy growing up. After waiting around for a long time ("HOW many times do you have to shoot the scene of the boy walking up to the school??") we went to the classroom and were given directions as to what was to happen in the scene. The thing was, I was supposed to improvise a conversation about a lesson on mythology. Having never taught mythology, this was an interesting exercise in itself, but the kicker was that I was supposed to come up with "the right answer" to the boy's question about the assignment. But I couldn't think of what to say! People staring, cameras rolling, time and money ticking and all of the sudden I completely lose my ability to "be a teacher." Crap. I made up some stupid things to say, said them a few times and then, suddenly, it's over and I'm left thinking, "Wait! I could do it better!"

I fumble my way home (thanks to jim) and in a daze carry on with the rest of the evening but in the back of my mind I keep thinking, "Oh, I should have said it THIS way." 3:30 in the morning I wake up thinking, "It would have been funny if I had done it THIS way...okay, okay, stop thinking about it!!" I tossed and turned and felt queesy and flopped around some more before I finally decided to roll out of bed and come write about my thoughts. Maybe if I write about it I can get a hold on it and move on.

So I think the thing that is most interesting to me is that I keep thinking/analyzing/wringing my hands over a few lines for a movie. It's not a bill for national healthcare or a discussion with a world leader (Cheney, could you have done a little better with Putin this week?) or even a visit with a friend who needs someone to talk to. It's just a couple of minutes on celluloid -- but because it IS on celluloid for everyone to see I'm all verklempt about it. But I say things all the time to friends, to my students, to my family ... and I don't worry about saying the perfect thing or having the "right" look or giving the perfect answer. It would be too draining to live like that. But maybe paying more attention to my life (without over-analyzing/worrying about every detail) could be a good thing if it helps me be more aware and alive in each moment. I think the whole experience, while surreal and somewhat disconcerting, is helpful in that it made me realize that I do like working (for now, at least) with kids every day because they help me be in the right now. They hug when they feel like hugging, cry when they feel like crying, and even when I don't know what to say they keep coming back and giving me more chances to say "just the right thing." And even when I enevitably don't, we all keep coming back and trying again each day. I like that.

I think I'll go back to bed now because showtime is over -- tomorrow is the real thing...

there are no words...

Jim and I got home yesterday and after our many travels in England, Paris and Switzerland, I was ready to be home again. This morning I woke up thinking I would write some today about our experiences since I last wrote (computer access was hard to come by the last couple of weeks) and then this I turned on the internet (and subsequently the tv) to find out that my hometown for the last month had been bombed. The bombs occured in the Tube (underground) and on one double decker bus around the area where I went to school. I watched in deep sadness as I saw emergency crews stationed on the corner of the very street I crossed every day to go to school at Russell Square. My eyes filled with tears as I remembered all the trips I took on the tube -- the trains filled each day with hundreds of people from all walks of life going to work, going to school, going to by groceries, etc. Innocent people who had no idea that their lives were about to change. People who like me, felt safe and secure in the streets and tubes of London because it IS a safe city and even most police (except for those around important financial and political centres) don't have guns. And I thought of my new friends made and am wondering how best to get in touch with them and find out if they are okay. But even if they are okay physically I know that mentally and emotionally, many feelings and fears must be swirling about. I know I want to do something, but I don't know what to do to help. I think also of my new friend Shakira, whom I met at a workshop on diversity and conflict resolution, and how she expressed the frustration she felt about being discriminated against because she was Pakistani. And I think about the time we spent in an area of London in which a large Bengali, Indian, and Pakistani populations live and I worry for them. I worry because I fear that many innocent people, peace-loving and God-loving Muslims may take abuse as a result of these bombings. I attended the London Mosque while there and I learned about the Muslim faith while sitting bare-footed on the same floor on which the daily prayers were said. And I learned that in the Muslim faith one can ask forgiveness and must make right many sins. But one sin that cannot be made-up for ("How can you give back a life that was taken?" said our teacher) is murder. I wish I could be there to talk and listen and hold the hand of my friend Shakira and so many others.

But all these words cannot truly communicate my feelings today. There are no words...

addicted...

So there is nothing like leaving the comfort zone of home to make you realize to what types of things you are addicted. Now, those of you who know me well will know that without question, I miss my chips and salsa. No shock to anyone there. But there are other things I miss, and I didn't realize how much I depended on these comfort items until I got away from them. Here are a few things I miss:
1.) microwave popcorn and m&m's
2.) shoes (i brought 2 pair and have already bought 2 pair)
3.) sweater/jacket (it's so freakin' cold here and i didn't bring enough warm clothes because it was 95+ degrees in TX!
4.) my car (i love using public transport -- but it takes quite a chunk of time out of one's day... how spoiled am i??)
5.) dryers (for hair and clothes... but I can get ready to go in a much shorter time here, even if my clothes are a bit crispy..)
6.) cooking my own food ("WHAT??" some of you exclaim -- "you don't cook at all anyway!" But I DO make food at my house and am quite tired of eating out or eating sandwiches all the time).
7.) free refills on sodas.
8.) limitless computer access and wireless access (that's why my posts are so few and far between -- i often don't have access to a computer..)
9.) being warm
10.) town lake/baby a's margaritas & chips/salsa

Now all the things above are totally unneccesary things, and I've survived perfectly well here without them. It's just been interesting to note how much I take for granted and how spoiled I am. It's been an eye-opening experience.

But there are also things I love about being in London and that I will miss when I come back to Austin:
1.) Riding the tube (it's ALWAYS an adventure of some sort..)
2.) walking EVERYWHERE (i have eaten more ice cream and cookies here than I EVER eat at home and actually have lost a couple of pounds simply because we walk so much)
3.) international influences (soooooo many people here from so many countries -- over 300 languages spoken here and i think i've heard at least 20 in the last few weeks... Also, the food choices are endless)
4.) cool looking, colorful money with pictures of folks like Elgar, and Darwin on it (and I love the sound of the change clinking together -- it sounds different from our money)
5.) fashion (I have seen so many interesting fashions here...)
6.) English game shows (many games around vocabulary and word-smithing)
7.) news programs that give a world-perspective (how much have those in the states heard about all the EU stuff?? It's a huge thing and here we hear about lots of countries -- not just England.)
8.) packed parks (on sunny days EVERYONE comes and sits in a square nearby... it's like a community even though folks often keep to themselves.
9.) Waterstone's Bookshop. (oh my gosh i love this shop)
10.) being out of my comfort zone (i learn things and think about things i'd never noticed before, simply because i'm out of my comfort zone).

So we've a few more weeks here and around Europe, and I will enjoy them. But it will be both a joy and a sadness to come home.

socialist and capitalist

Okay so I'm not really going to wax eloquent on socialism and capitalism here (mainly because it would become quickly apparent how gormless I am on such subjects) but we did have a bit of an introduction to the differences between the US version of social services and the UK/EU version of social services just the other day. (This is where you might want to jump off ... it could be terribly boring and dull to read any further, but I want to include not just sight-seeing stuff, but also learning stuff.)

So we went to Oxford the other day (quite a lovely town) and we were given a lecture there (and cookies and tea -- which we all promptly scarfed down..) about the UK/EU social aid services (particularly to workers and concerning health care). It was a fascinating talk because I began to realize how very isolated are my understandings of social services in countries other than the US. For example, because of the EU, there can be a transfer services, goods, people, and capital from country to country. This means you can go buy a case of wine in France and bring it back to England with no customs tax (as long as you aren't going to sell it). Now that has little to do with social services, you say,but the same is true for things like health care as well. For example, we were told the story of an Italian who went to work in Germany (legally -- imagine if it were true between Mexico and US...), went back to Italy to visit family on his six week vacation and got sick at the end of the vacation. The German company paid for his healthcare in Italy and was required (there was a lawsuit, but the guy won) to allow the person to have paid sick leave (also a perk of the German system) in Italy while he recovered. We also learned about the differences of 3 types of citizenship (as outlined by T.H. Marshall -- i think) including 1.) liberal citizenship (protects you from the state -- the state cannot steal from you); 2.) political citizenship (voting rights, free speech, right to demonstrate, etc); 3.) social citizenship (giving all a decent standard of living). The point made was that the third one has to be in place before the first two types of citizenship can TRULY occur. I wonder, do we have that third type of citizenship -- i mean really have it for all -- in our country??

We also learned about how countries like Denmark and Sweden have a much higher percentage of public social assistance expenditure (based on GDP) than the US. I'm reminded of the movie "Elling" (which is quite funny by the way -- you should really rent it because it's much more interesting than the rambling I'm doing here) in which two mentally challenged (what is the PC term??) men find their way in the world after being given an apartment upon their release from a mental facility (it's set in one of those Scandinavian countries..). I remember watching that movie and thinking, "Wow, they have their own apartment furnished by the government!"

Of course it is much more complex than this, but it has really set me to thinking about our own way of doing/running things in the states and our own issues with truly serving all people. I'm really thinking about how many folks in the US do not have healthcare or adequate social services. I'm thinking about how it would be possible to ensure everyone services in a capitalist society which seems to shudder at even a whisper of any kind of socialist bent (take note of all the voucher stuff in education... what some say is the last socialist institution in US). Not that EU countries don't have their own issues, but it is interesting to begin learning about the differences.

i still have TONS to learn...

a museum

In continuation to the previous post, I visited a museum today called 19 Princelet Street. You walk through the Spitalfields area, down Brick Lane past the zillion deliciously inviting Bangladeshi and Indian restaurants and shops, turn onto a tiny lane called Princelet Street and there you are. It's a museum celebrating diversity and they are only open to the public for certain periods of time as they try to raise money for operating expenses. I know some of you are travelling here, and it's an interesting spot (and has a room -- though now closed -- upon which the book "Rudinsky's Room" was based) that tells the stories of the various immigrant populations who have lived and worked in the house and the surrounding areas for the last 380+ years. The next public dates are to be June 19-27, 12pm-7pm, free admission with donations encouraged. They partnered with local school children, artists, poets, historians to develop some of the simple exhibits -- and believe you me, I've some great ideas for my own classroom (if I ever get a job, that is). The website is 19princeletstreet.org.uk. Check it out! :)

oh crap ....

So it turns out I'm prejudiced. I have spent the last two years trying to examine my own biases and unrealized priveledges as a middle-class, white, educated female who grew up in a small, conservative town, and I try so hard to be open-minded and to really think about the ways in which I might be oppressive toward others. I think about it, I've read books and articles about it, I talk about it (ad naseaum to poor Jim... sorry about that) and I thought myself pretty forward thinking. And then yesterday I went into a Patisserie and lost all composure.

So we had just attended an African Festival, learned about Egyptian drumming, took a belly-dancing lesson, and were walking back to the tube station to catch a train home. We decided to stop in a little shop for some tea/coffee and so I found a lovely little patisserie with lovely cakes, tarts, and drinks. My first clue should have been the disdainful look given to me by both of the French waitresses. But unflappable, I smiled grandly, said I would return with my friends and bounded out to find them. We all re-entered together, had a bit of a chat about whether we should sit upstairs or down, finally decided and then sat down for a nice cup of tea. Again, sharp looks, frowning faces, and quick detached movements from the waitresses both. "I'll disarm them with my charm and gracious attitude" I thought naively and didn't let their seemingly bad moods affect me.

So then it came time to pay. We all tromped downstairs (because the two waitresses seemed never to be coming 'round again) and asked for our bill. One waitress snarled at us that we would have to pay together, and so I (having only a £10 note and no change) asked for her to change my bill. She said, "NO, I do not have any change at all. Too bad." I said I only had the 10 pound note so she needed to figure it out since it was a place of business and all. We interchanged back and forth for a couple of minutes (with her offering to give me 10 pounds worth of change in pence -- which are pennies) and it was everything I could do not to scream rude things at her. My friends rushed to my aid and we worked it out, but I walked out feeling very flustered and very much that French people are bloody rude. "NO wonder the English don't like the French -- they are rude!"

So later, when I cooled off a bit I began to see how prejudice forms. A poor interchange with someone can become a way of essentializing a whole race/ethnicity/culture from one interaction. Of course all French people aren't rude, just like all Americans aren't stupid. I wish I could have kept my cool, not let the lady push my buttons. I saw that I was being prejudiced against her because I expected her to fit my expectations of service and social interaction. I saw that I could let it all boil inside me so that future interactions with people from France could be affected negatively. And for a moment, I had a tiny, microscopic understanding of what it feels like to be stereotyped and feel the effects of prejudice against my own ethnic background as well. It was not a pleasant experience. But I hopefully am a bit wiser for it.

And I still like french fries (as opposed to "freedom fries")...

sunshine

So the first few days here it was blustery and cold and all I had was a cardigan sweater (I learned a new word too -- "jumper" -- it means a big fluffy sweater that you pull over your head). But yesterday... yesterday the sun came out and it's been glorious. We had lunch in a park filled with beautiful flowers, ducks and geese, and little green wooden rowboats for which you could pay 6 quid and take a tool about the little lake. The flowers not only in this park but all around the city are so lovely. The city is filled with green parks and gardens and at this time of year something is always blooming. Funny thing is, I finally felt quite comfortable with the weather yesterday and today, but my English friends have complained about it getting a bit hot. They should come to Texas sometime!

We also had a bit of an adventure in several different places of worship. On Tuesday we went to Swaminarayan Mandir -- the largest Hindu temple outside of India. It was an amazing place and so beautiful and peaceful. You have to take your shoes off at the front door and place them in a rack, so throughout this huge temple, museum, and even the little bookshop everyone is walking around in their stockinged or bare feet. There is something equalizing about all being shoeless... Then yesterday (Thursday) we went to the London Central Mosque and learned about the Muslim faith. The guide sat with us and answered questions for two hours -- it was so fascinating to find parallels (and differences) between these two religious traditions and my own religious background.

I've got to dash off now to visit a social service agency but more later...

today i smiled ...

So it's been a lot of hustle and bustle around here. Dashing to the bus stop, speeding down the stairs, shoving into the already over-packed tube during rush hour and then as the doors shut upon me wondering, "Am I on the correct train?!?" And once on the tube, the people sitting or standing 2 centimeters from one another don't look at each other, don't talk to each other and certainly don't smile at one another. We all jostle along, some reading, some listening to music, some staring blankly into space, all breathing the same air but keeping to ourselves.

The first few days as I was walking around I would smile as I passed people, and I might even say "Hi" because at home this is modus operandi (sp??). But I noticed when I did so here, people would look at me blankly or turn away. I asked my homestay host about this and she said, "So you smile and say hello to complete strangers? Oh no, we don't often do that here -- the British are much more reserved." So wanting to fit in, I have lived the last few days keeping to myself and trying to look very non-affected by the goings on all around me. And I've been so not myself.

I like interacting with people, I like asking questions and learning about people, and I like to feel connected in some way to people. Now I do understand and respect that we all have different levels of openness, and I do so want to respect that. I don't want to be rude and intrude on someone else's private life. But being often alone in a foreign land (I know we all speak English and all, but believe me -- it's different from Austin, Texas!) I want to find SOME way to connect to the people here. I don't want to walk around all day feeling so alone and isolated.

And so last night I decided that I have to be myself. I must be respectful of course, but that doesn't mean I have to cower silently in the corner all the time. So today I got on the tube, turned on my music and tapped my toe to a bit of home (Bob Schneider). As I listened I looked around the train and saw the usual reading, music listening, staring. And then it happened. I looked through the window to the tube car in front of us where a variety of people sat. One lady with long beautifully braided dark hair was looking around as we jostled along. Through the two cars our eyes met, and so I smiled at her. And do you know what? She smiled back...

Argghhh... the LIGHT!!!

So it is daylight here.... a LOT. The daylight is lovely, and I do love daylight, but it just comes so early!! At about 9:30 pm the light begins to fade and the sunsets are divine. After a couple of hours I'm happily asleep. And then, before I know it, my eyes have popped open to the sun gleaming through the windows. Only trouble is, it's only 4 am. Oy vey. I've been able to get a lot of reading done for my class though. That's good.

Yesterday I had a lovely time at St. Margaret's (a church beside Westminster) -- after a bit of trouble finding my way there. I got out at Victoria station, planning to meet some friends, but Victoria station is HUGE (it's also a railway centre) and so, without a map I plunged out in search of Big Ben (which is across the street from Westminster). I DID find Westminster CATHEDRAL (which is not the same thing) but had to keep wandering about. Eventually I found a bus ("Excuse me please, but does this bus go to Parliament??") and got to Westminster just in time to be late for the service (in which you can get into the church -- to worship of course -- for free). So I went next door. It was lovely, and the music was by Kodaly (yippeee!!).

Later I went with a friend to St. Paul's Cathedral and heard an organ concert (and sat in the choir loft -- WOW). Let me tell you, when the organist pulls out all the stops and wails on the keyboard in St. Paul's it is CRAZY awesome. The ringing after the final chord lasts for what seems like five minutes.

More later, gotta dash to class. :) h

flexibility

Well, it's been an interesting day already! The flight was fine (though long) and I met some very nice girls on the plane who gave me some great ideas of things to do and places to see in London. And once at the student office the folks were very friendly and I have a great reference for a fish and chips place that serves "fish the size of Moby Dick" according to the bloke giving me the reference. The only trouble is, it's sooooo expensive here. I have to double the price of any item (i got a sandwich, crisps, and a soda for 3 pounds 80, which is basically 8 dollars) so I've realized I'm either going to be quite poor, or I'll get skinny. Maybe both.

I also found that the family I was to stay with had a family emergency and so my homestay has been switched to another person. Too bad too, because I really enjoyed chatting with the mom of the family, and I have gifts for the children... I'll have to find someone to give them to! "Child, child on the street walking with your mummy, do you want a lovely little bracelet, necklace, and change purse?"

All of this to say, my word for the day -- the first day here in London -- is "flexibility". I think it will probably be a word not just for today, but for every day. Tally ho-- holly :)

tomorrow...

Only a few more hours before I leave. I'm packed, know where I'm to be and when, and I've read most of the articles for my class (Roots of Social and Economic Justice). All the readings have really set me to wondering about this whole experience. After reading many of the articles I've noticed the swing back and forth between private philanthropy and government sponsered social services. I'm eager to see what's going on in London today. I already feel slightly disjointed -- part of me cannot wait to see the sights (of the touristy type) and experience the culture. Another part of me knows that learning about all the struggles for social justice that still exist even today will be a stretch out of my comfort zone. I could probably use a good stretch. Wonder what it's all going to be like...

two weeks to go

Ahhhh, last paper: done. Student finals: done. Ticket: got it. Passport: valid. Family visits: this weekend. Packed: WHAT?? And woe is me because the dollar is so weak right now, so I'm wondering just how much room I have in my suitcase for peanut butter and/or ramen noodles... As my dear mum (okay, jim's mum, but she's mine too) so aptly put it today, "Well, you'll just have to get used to the hearty English breakfast then!" And it was with a bit of wistful longing I think that she said it (being a native of Hastings herself). A hearty English breakfast -- mmmmm, can hardly wait!

austin botanical garden

DSC03114
Originally uploaded by howaminotmyself.

countdown...

3 weeks and counting... People keep asking me, "Are you ready?" and "Have you packed?" and "Are you so excited?" And how I would so like to say yes to all of those things but this whole semester has been too crazy to even have time to think about it all. In fact, I should really be working on student finals RIGHT NOW but I had to take a break and dream for at least a second (and create a blog so I could have an online journal set up before I go).

So what am I on about? It's London, and in a few short weeks I travel across the pond to study the roots of social and economic justice. I'm hoping to learn not only about the social care system, but also a bit about other ways of knowing/thinking/living. And also a thing or two about my own biases/ways of knowing/unexamined parts of my life etc.

Okay so maybe I am starting to get excited. Still not ready, still not packed, but I'm on my way. London is calling...