It's showtime...

So it has been a while since I posted and I had an interesting experience yesterday that I feel the need to write about. It was a Sunday afternoon (mother's day) and I was asked to be at school to help film a movie about a boy growing up. After waiting around for a long time ("HOW many times do you have to shoot the scene of the boy walking up to the school??") we went to the classroom and were given directions as to what was to happen in the scene. The thing was, I was supposed to improvise a conversation about a lesson on mythology. Having never taught mythology, this was an interesting exercise in itself, but the kicker was that I was supposed to come up with "the right answer" to the boy's question about the assignment. But I couldn't think of what to say! People staring, cameras rolling, time and money ticking and all of the sudden I completely lose my ability to "be a teacher." Crap. I made up some stupid things to say, said them a few times and then, suddenly, it's over and I'm left thinking, "Wait! I could do it better!"

I fumble my way home (thanks to jim) and in a daze carry on with the rest of the evening but in the back of my mind I keep thinking, "Oh, I should have said it THIS way." 3:30 in the morning I wake up thinking, "It would have been funny if I had done it THIS way...okay, okay, stop thinking about it!!" I tossed and turned and felt queesy and flopped around some more before I finally decided to roll out of bed and come write about my thoughts. Maybe if I write about it I can get a hold on it and move on.

So I think the thing that is most interesting to me is that I keep thinking/analyzing/wringing my hands over a few lines for a movie. It's not a bill for national healthcare or a discussion with a world leader (Cheney, could you have done a little better with Putin this week?) or even a visit with a friend who needs someone to talk to. It's just a couple of minutes on celluloid -- but because it IS on celluloid for everyone to see I'm all verklempt about it. But I say things all the time to friends, to my students, to my family ... and I don't worry about saying the perfect thing or having the "right" look or giving the perfect answer. It would be too draining to live like that. But maybe paying more attention to my life (without over-analyzing/worrying about every detail) could be a good thing if it helps me be more aware and alive in each moment. I think the whole experience, while surreal and somewhat disconcerting, is helpful in that it made me realize that I do like working (for now, at least) with kids every day because they help me be in the right now. They hug when they feel like hugging, cry when they feel like crying, and even when I don't know what to say they keep coming back and giving me more chances to say "just the right thing." And even when I enevitably don't, we all keep coming back and trying again each day. I like that.

I think I'll go back to bed now because showtime is over -- tomorrow is the real thing...